Anxiety is the tree that lives within me.

Welcome one and all, to my first ever Blog! Now please bare with me on this one so I can get a few little points written down so you can have a bit of a backstory to me, Mrs. C.

I am a wife to Mr. C and a Welsh (ish) mum of 2 little whirlwinds and a super lazy, lion sized cat. We live in the countryside in Snowdonia and I have worked within the NHS for 12 years now and Mr.C is a chef.

When I am able, I love reading and creating things. I have a zest for knowledge and if a certain subject takes my fancy, I will submerge myself fully into it. I love comedy and dark humour. I also love people who admit that life is far from Instagram perfect and happily share the true realities of life!

Lets get this boring bit done…

The purpose of me starting up a blog is to help me with my daily struggle of living with Anxiety. Now before you rush off and think that this is going to be another “One of those blogs” I just want to say that I want it to be more of a light hearted place where I can write down what is going on in my crazy yet intricate and fragile mind on those days where I would be more than willing to swap places with Tom Hanks on that desert island (Only if Wilson was left there too though) Plus once this initial blog is written and posted I can get on and write whatever I like as you will already know a bit of me and my story.

I have struggled with anxiety for a few years now, but is has definitely become more prominent in the last 4 years or so, to the point where it has now rooted itself firmly within me. You see, I look at my anxiety like a tree with its branches reaching into every aspect of my life. On saying that, I make sure I try and shed my leaves as often as I can, So that I don’t carry the weight of all of them around with me day after day (yet saying that, on some less joyous days I feel like I’m carrying all the leaves in the world around on my back)

To the “Outside world” I look like I don’t have a worry in the world;

  • A hard working husband that would go to the end of the earth for us if he could
  • Two overall well behaved children with good manners who bring me a lot of smiles (96% of the time)
  • We have a lovely little home (nothing that would ever make the inner cover’s of house beautiful) but it is where I feel at my most content and is our ‘home’
  • My family (Mum, Dad, Brothers and families) I may be going on 33 but I’ll always need my mam and dad.

But those outside people don’t have a clue what goes on within me most days, as it is so much easier to stay at home within these 4 walls of comfort, than to go out and socialise. I wear a mask for work (quite literally, PPE!) I am quite the actress there even if I do say so myself as it’s easier to pretend to be something when being forced to face others than to admit your not quite you.

First meeting’s between me and Anxiety

My mum was an alcoholic from when I was around 9 until I was 18. She has always been my world but she was the most vile creature on earth back then, but I still loved her. I know its an awful disease but for me there was no support there at all, my dad and other family members were also lost when it came to her. She was on a path to self destruction and none of us were going to be able to stop her. In 2005 she was diagnosed with cancer and as a result she lost her voice box and had to breathe through her kneck. That was the turning point in her recovery. She was only given a 30% chance of survival for the 1st year after that op and she smashed through everything that she had to overcome over the following months and years. Now we are (nearly) 13 years down the line and she is an amazing woman who I adore for her strength, courage and love. Dad and her have been married for 46 years too and he has been by her side through thick and thin.

Because of that, Anxiety slowly and unbeknown to me made itself at home within me.

In a nutshell…

Anxiety has played a big role in my adult life. It has been one of the main reasons of past relationship break downs, the fact I only have 3 (at a push) main friends in my life and the fact that I am mostly a recluse who doesn’t like to socialise, you know incase that insane scenario that’s in my head will actually come true if I dare venture out of my comfort zone.

To end on a more positive note, Yes I am a bit of a loner but I am also a woman who is not defined solely by this anxiety. I am a mother, wife, sister, friend and colleague who loves to laugh most days yet isn’t afraid to cry on those bad days. Come along on my blogging journey if you can see any similarities between you and I, and I promise we will work this out together and enjoy the crazy ride it may bring.

Until the next blog, Keep doing what you do and always stay positive. We are all on this magical yet manic journey together.

With love and happy wishes,

Mrs. S x

One thought on “Anxiety is the tree that lives within me.

  1. So nice to meet you,and read your story, shall I call it, snipers of reality I can see of myself and the journey with anxiety and the impression it leaves on your life, Mine a very different “story line”but seems when you introduce anxiety into a life, we have that common thread, A new year is a good time to reflect on past times that were difficult, and the ways to make any small but lasting changes to release. the hold anxiety seems to have, good luck and continue to heal and grow I am inspired to put the wheels in motion for my own future growth and change xx

    Like

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